My Feeling...

It has been a week already. I am still feeling down and lonely. I feel... sad. My insomnia is not cured. Ever since that day, i am like unable to sleep early. That day... that day is when???
Seems like it has been weeks that i never had a good night sleep. I feel so distress... It is not that i wanted to sleep late... It is just that my mind is not in the mood to sleep... I am waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for what? Waiting for her message before going to bed. Because, i always hope that she will sleep early, and to know that, i had asked her send me a message before bed. Yet, for a week, no message received. Sad... Yet, i waited every night. From 10pm, i reached home after class, until 11pm, i started a game of DOTA with my bro... until 12am, my bro gone to bed... until 1am, i start browsing the web reading on stupid topics and dreams and mostly browsing in medical sites... LoLs... and yet... no message until 3am... Every night, it become like a practice. I do it every night... And until now... i feel, sad... and down.
She did told me that she will be busy lately. Yes. I understand. I never asked her to accompany me. I only wished for a good night from her every night. Yet... i waited n waited... Nothing came.
Why like that?
A message take how many time to type? 1 minute? 2 minute?
such few minutes also cannot spend for me?
Sad? Disappointed?
I don't know... I feel like crying every night. Since the day i got this... Insomnia... But who knows? No one... I never tell anyone about this... Because i think that they can't help me anyway... Only i can help myself... And maybe she can help... but... she never cares... just told me... "this is bad for health... don do it again... try to sleep early." And just for a day, then vanish in thin air.
I don't know what is happening... i don't know... People says i tend to think too much... Yes... May be right. But ever know what i experience before? I got betrayed by my best friend and the one i trusted with all my heart... and i got hurt deeply... of course, i still fear such thing will happen to me... who want to feel the same pain twice? nobody~
Why ?
I also don't know why. Is it that she is telling me she is quitting? Just that she is too good and she fear to tell me cause she thinks i may be hurt? if it is so, i rather know then to suffer like this... People encourage me to quit... some ask me to be patient... to me, i will stand... hang on. because i believe in her. I believe she will not do that to me. She will not hurt me like the last one would. Because i believe...
Or am i just being childish?
But i don't care.. i choose to believe... So as to that, i will wait.
As for the consequences, i had choose to face it... no matter what is it. Good or bad... I will just face it.
Please... Stop torturing me... I don't want this to continue like this anymore... I will die even faster this way...
As for what is happening now...
crying... is helpless. DO u know i can't even cry even when i feel miserably sad? So damn miserable!!! Sad yet can't cry... where can like that? Then how can i vent out my sadness and my anger? i can't shout out loud, i can't laugh out from my heart... and if this is like what is happening, am i lost?
Did i lost my personality? my emotions?
I feel... lonely...
Alone...
Bounded by solitude...
Tied up... helpless...
Why is this solitude haunt me?
Who knows... But... If i feel free in solitude... I believe, that will be the time i break up with her...
Who will feel free in solitude and loneliness? Hahaha~ Of course, must be someone who has chosen to be alone for their life.
I know, i might not be suitable to have another half. But i am trying my best. Trying my very best to be a good one. I take up ACCA, because i trust that this can give me a good pay in the future. And i am building my future, with her in it... and if she left, then why am i being so tired out taking my ACCA so damn fast? Pushing for 3 subjects one go... That's insane. Teachers has gave advice that it is not reasonable to take 3 papers. Of course, there is people that can do it. But, being an ordinary person, taking 3 papers is very heavy a burden... Yet, why i m forcing myself to bear it???
Sad again... heart feel pain, feel sour... yet... tears never drop. don even feel my eyes wet...
Why am i doing this? For my future's sack. I want to have a better life up ahead. I want to build our future... They told me, it is impossible to earn 1 million by just working before 30 years old. But i am trying to prove that wrong! WRONG! i can earn, Invest, earn, invest... ACCA, of course, it is an accounting and financing course. I can learn to invest well! WHY? i see a bright future up ahead... yet...
Ever wonder why you work and study so hard for???
To give ourselve a better future. Right?
Yes... ok... let say i got 1 billion, and i lost all my family and all my friends and i don't have love ones left on this world... tell me... U still want your 1 billion or u want your loved ones back?
Which one do u choose?
You worked so hard, earning so much, for your loved ones... for your family... for them to have a better life. If u lost all of them, is there any meaning left to earn and work so hard???
Simply, no~
It will be just enough to life up to your own par.
Earn what u need. Necessary need only. Don't have to work so hard anymore~
no... no need...
Everyone plays an important role in someone's life. and of course, in your own life.
But... what? What to do? It is always too late to realize what is happening... until you had lost it, then you start to treasure what you lost.
I lost... i found... i treasure...
So... That will be why... i keep holding on... because i don't want to regret my choice. And most important. I believe.
I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I REALLY DO...