Pathetic Mortals! Tell me!!! What is more painful!!!?
Being Dump by you spouse;
or in a relation with someone who don't care about you?
Curse of immortality is so damn torturing...
...
...
...
I had lost my sleep because of her...
I had lost my mind because of her...
What the Hell is happening now!!!
I wanted to know... I wanted to know...
...
...
...
Sleepless... Sorrow... Despair...
Loneliness... Solitude... Fear...
I feel so alone now...
But my Soul is against me...
My tears is GONE ...
And i had failed to cry.
What is sadness without tears?
...
...
...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
My Feeling...
It has been a week already. I am still feeling down and lonely. I feel... sad. My insomnia is not cured. Ever since that day, i am like unable to sleep early. That day... that day is when???
Seems like it has been weeks that i never had a good night sleep. I feel so distress... It is not that i wanted to sleep late... It is just that my mind is not in the mood to sleep... I am waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for what? Waiting for her message before going to bed. Because, i always hope that she will sleep early, and to know that, i had asked her send me a message before bed. Yet, for a week, no message received. Sad... Yet, i waited every night. From 10pm, i reached home after class, until 11pm, i started a game of DOTA with my bro... until 12am, my bro gone to bed... until 1am, i start browsing the web reading on stupid topics and dreams and mostly browsing in medical sites... LoLs... and yet... no message until 3am... Every night, it become like a practice. I do it every night... And until now... i feel, sad... and down.
She did told me that she will be busy lately. Yes. I understand. I never asked her to accompany me. I only wished for a good night from her every night. Yet... i waited n waited... Nothing came.
Why like that?
A message take how many time to type? 1 minute? 2 minute?
such few minutes also cannot spend for me?
Sad? Disappointed?
I don't know... I feel like crying every night. Since the day i got this... Insomnia... But who knows? No one... I never tell anyone about this... Because i think that they can't help me anyway... Only i can help myself... And maybe she can help... but... she never cares... just told me... "this is bad for health... don do it again... try to sleep early." And just for a day, then vanish in thin air.
I don't know what is happening... i don't know... People says i tend to think too much... Yes... May be right. But ever know what i experience before? I got betrayed by my best friend and the one i trusted with all my heart... and i got hurt deeply... of course, i still fear such thing will happen to me... who want to feel the same pain twice? nobody~
Why ?
I also don't know why. Is it that she is telling me she is quitting? Just that she is too good and she fear to tell me cause she thinks i may be hurt? if it is so, i rather know then to suffer like this... People encourage me to quit... some ask me to be patient... to me, i will stand... hang on. because i believe in her. I believe she will not do that to me. She will not hurt me like the last one would. Because i believe...
Or am i just being childish?
But i don't care.. i choose to believe... So as to that, i will wait.
As for the consequences, i had choose to face it... no matter what is it. Good or bad... I will just face it.
Please... Stop torturing me... I don't want this to continue like this anymore... I will die even faster this way...
As for what is happening now...
crying... is helpless. DO u know i can't even cry even when i feel miserably sad? So damn miserable!!! Sad yet can't cry... where can like that? Then how can i vent out my sadness and my anger? i can't shout out loud, i can't laugh out from my heart... and if this is like what is happening, am i lost?
Did i lost my personality? my emotions?
I feel... lonely...
Alone...
Bounded by solitude...
Tied up... helpless...
Why is this solitude haunt me?
Who knows... But... If i feel free in solitude... I believe, that will be the time i break up with her...
Who will feel free in solitude and loneliness? Hahaha~ Of course, must be someone who has chosen to be alone for their life.
I know, i might not be suitable to have another half. But i am trying my best. Trying my very best to be a good one. I take up ACCA, because i trust that this can give me a good pay in the future. And i am building my future, with her in it... and if she left, then why am i being so tired out taking my ACCA so damn fast? Pushing for 3 subjects one go... That's insane. Teachers has gave advice that it is not reasonable to take 3 papers. Of course, there is people that can do it. But, being an ordinary person, taking 3 papers is very heavy a burden... Yet, why i m forcing myself to bear it???
Sad again... heart feel pain, feel sour... yet... tears never drop. don even feel my eyes wet...
Why am i doing this? For my future's sack. I want to have a better life up ahead. I want to build our future... They told me, it is impossible to earn 1 million by just working before 30 years old. But i am trying to prove that wrong! WRONG! i can earn, Invest, earn, invest... ACCA, of course, it is an accounting and financing course. I can learn to invest well! WHY? i see a bright future up ahead... yet...
Ever wonder why you work and study so hard for???
To give ourselve a better future. Right?
Yes... ok... let say i got 1 billion, and i lost all my family and all my friends and i don't have love ones left on this world... tell me... U still want your 1 billion or u want your loved ones back?
Which one do u choose?
You worked so hard, earning so much, for your loved ones... for your family... for them to have a better life. If u lost all of them, is there any meaning left to earn and work so hard???
Simply, no~
It will be just enough to life up to your own par.
Earn what u need. Necessary need only. Don't have to work so hard anymore~
no... no need...
Everyone plays an important role in someone's life. and of course, in your own life.
But... what? What to do? It is always too late to realize what is happening... until you had lost it, then you start to treasure what you lost.
I lost... i found... i treasure...
So... That will be why... i keep holding on... because i don't want to regret my choice. And most important. I believe.
I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I REALLY DO...
Seems like it has been weeks that i never had a good night sleep. I feel so distress... It is not that i wanted to sleep late... It is just that my mind is not in the mood to sleep... I am waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for what? Waiting for her message before going to bed. Because, i always hope that she will sleep early, and to know that, i had asked her send me a message before bed. Yet, for a week, no message received. Sad... Yet, i waited every night. From 10pm, i reached home after class, until 11pm, i started a game of DOTA with my bro... until 12am, my bro gone to bed... until 1am, i start browsing the web reading on stupid topics and dreams and mostly browsing in medical sites... LoLs... and yet... no message until 3am... Every night, it become like a practice. I do it every night... And until now... i feel, sad... and down.
She did told me that she will be busy lately. Yes. I understand. I never asked her to accompany me. I only wished for a good night from her every night. Yet... i waited n waited... Nothing came.
Why like that?
A message take how many time to type? 1 minute? 2 minute?
such few minutes also cannot spend for me?
Sad? Disappointed?
I don't know... I feel like crying every night. Since the day i got this... Insomnia... But who knows? No one... I never tell anyone about this... Because i think that they can't help me anyway... Only i can help myself... And maybe she can help... but... she never cares... just told me... "this is bad for health... don do it again... try to sleep early." And just for a day, then vanish in thin air.
I don't know what is happening... i don't know... People says i tend to think too much... Yes... May be right. But ever know what i experience before? I got betrayed by my best friend and the one i trusted with all my heart... and i got hurt deeply... of course, i still fear such thing will happen to me... who want to feel the same pain twice? nobody~
Why ?
I also don't know why. Is it that she is telling me she is quitting? Just that she is too good and she fear to tell me cause she thinks i may be hurt? if it is so, i rather know then to suffer like this... People encourage me to quit... some ask me to be patient... to me, i will stand... hang on. because i believe in her. I believe she will not do that to me. She will not hurt me like the last one would. Because i believe...
Or am i just being childish?
But i don't care.. i choose to believe... So as to that, i will wait.
As for the consequences, i had choose to face it... no matter what is it. Good or bad... I will just face it.
Please... Stop torturing me... I don't want this to continue like this anymore... I will die even faster this way...
As for what is happening now...
crying... is helpless. DO u know i can't even cry even when i feel miserably sad? So damn miserable!!! Sad yet can't cry... where can like that? Then how can i vent out my sadness and my anger? i can't shout out loud, i can't laugh out from my heart... and if this is like what is happening, am i lost?
Did i lost my personality? my emotions?
I feel... lonely...
Alone...
Bounded by solitude...
Tied up... helpless...
Why is this solitude haunt me?
Who knows... But... If i feel free in solitude... I believe, that will be the time i break up with her...
Who will feel free in solitude and loneliness? Hahaha~ Of course, must be someone who has chosen to be alone for their life.
I know, i might not be suitable to have another half. But i am trying my best. Trying my very best to be a good one. I take up ACCA, because i trust that this can give me a good pay in the future. And i am building my future, with her in it... and if she left, then why am i being so tired out taking my ACCA so damn fast? Pushing for 3 subjects one go... That's insane. Teachers has gave advice that it is not reasonable to take 3 papers. Of course, there is people that can do it. But, being an ordinary person, taking 3 papers is very heavy a burden... Yet, why i m forcing myself to bear it???
Sad again... heart feel pain, feel sour... yet... tears never drop. don even feel my eyes wet...
Why am i doing this? For my future's sack. I want to have a better life up ahead. I want to build our future... They told me, it is impossible to earn 1 million by just working before 30 years old. But i am trying to prove that wrong! WRONG! i can earn, Invest, earn, invest... ACCA, of course, it is an accounting and financing course. I can learn to invest well! WHY? i see a bright future up ahead... yet...
Ever wonder why you work and study so hard for???
To give ourselve a better future. Right?
Yes... ok... let say i got 1 billion, and i lost all my family and all my friends and i don't have love ones left on this world... tell me... U still want your 1 billion or u want your loved ones back?
Which one do u choose?
You worked so hard, earning so much, for your loved ones... for your family... for them to have a better life. If u lost all of them, is there any meaning left to earn and work so hard???
Simply, no~
It will be just enough to life up to your own par.
Earn what u need. Necessary need only. Don't have to work so hard anymore~
no... no need...
Everyone plays an important role in someone's life. and of course, in your own life.
But... what? What to do? It is always too late to realize what is happening... until you had lost it, then you start to treasure what you lost.
I lost... i found... i treasure...
So... That will be why... i keep holding on... because i don't want to regret my choice. And most important. I believe.
I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I REALLY DO...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
LoveStory
Love story... Ahahaha~ Just the title i myself felt blurred.
Guess why i wanted to write this post?
Hehe... supposed everyone can't guess why. Even i don't understand why...
It was yesterday, i was bored out at home... So i decided to sort out the DVD that were piling up on the TV. ( My bro and my Dad don't keep the disc after watching it, sometimes is really annoying. ) So, i decided to tidy it up... But, while arranging it halfway, i saw a DVD... it is a drama... Forgotten the name, but is Hong Kong drama... So, since i am bored, i decided to turn on the TV and watch it. LOLS... i don't watch drama much... This is like out of the blue... XD
It is... LoLs... The start was nice... it is about a love story... Let me address the guy as A and the girl as B. A and B had a nice time together, but due to some economic crisis, B's family decided to leave and go to another place. So, A and B are forced to part. Funny thing is... They still post letters to each other. Even until the day they die... Their grandchildren, took up their last letter... and decided to look up each other... A's grandchild, a, looked up B's grandchild, b. So... This 2 youngster... being very... "rude", they opened their grandparents' letters. Oh, by the way, A and B are seperated, and they have no idea who died first... lols... and, being such a coincidence, they 2 died almost at the same time... a and b read thier letters, knowing what happened to their grandparents... so touching...
THE END~
Unbelievable... Where got drama so short one??? so i fast forward... =.=
U know what... i just found out that this DVD is a series of Love story... I stop watching on the 3rd. As it is too... sad... i feel rather sad and agitated while watching the 3rd one. LoLs...
The guy was so nice to his GF, yet, she wanted to try to find whether he is having another affair with other girl. She hired a detective, more like a spy, to spy on her bf... he is so nice a guy, he got the kind heart, that he help almost everyone that needed help. He is almost perfect... Yet, she still can't believe that he is so good. LoLs... This one, makes me feels like, a guy being too good is bad. LOLS... She kept on spying him... hoping he will one day make a mistake, so she can break up with him... =.=''' like this also can HO? ANGRY~ SAD... My emotions was like triggered... i feel a sudden crash of personality... so... haven't even finished the 3rd series, i off it. LOLS...
I would like to know, what is love?
Many people claim that they know... I questioned their knowledge of Love. It is just not possible to understand Love so easily. I think me myself is totally blurred... I had a GF. But, i feel, i am not doing what i am supposed to do; i am not doing what i must do...
Sadly, if i keep on figuring this problem out, i will break down again. That is for sure. So, it is always better for me to just let it be. Time will tell me what is what. Right? ^^
Guess why i wanted to write this post?
Hehe... supposed everyone can't guess why. Even i don't understand why...
It was yesterday, i was bored out at home... So i decided to sort out the DVD that were piling up on the TV. ( My bro and my Dad don't keep the disc after watching it, sometimes is really annoying. ) So, i decided to tidy it up... But, while arranging it halfway, i saw a DVD... it is a drama... Forgotten the name, but is Hong Kong drama... So, since i am bored, i decided to turn on the TV and watch it. LOLS... i don't watch drama much... This is like out of the blue... XD
It is... LoLs... The start was nice... it is about a love story... Let me address the guy as A and the girl as B. A and B had a nice time together, but due to some economic crisis, B's family decided to leave and go to another place. So, A and B are forced to part. Funny thing is... They still post letters to each other. Even until the day they die... Their grandchildren, took up their last letter... and decided to look up each other... A's grandchild, a, looked up B's grandchild, b. So... This 2 youngster... being very... "rude", they opened their grandparents' letters. Oh, by the way, A and B are seperated, and they have no idea who died first... lols... and, being such a coincidence, they 2 died almost at the same time... a and b read thier letters, knowing what happened to their grandparents... so touching...
THE END~
Unbelievable... Where got drama so short one??? so i fast forward... =.=
U know what... i just found out that this DVD is a series of Love story... I stop watching on the 3rd. As it is too... sad... i feel rather sad and agitated while watching the 3rd one. LoLs...
The guy was so nice to his GF, yet, she wanted to try to find whether he is having another affair with other girl. She hired a detective, more like a spy, to spy on her bf... he is so nice a guy, he got the kind heart, that he help almost everyone that needed help. He is almost perfect... Yet, she still can't believe that he is so good. LoLs... This one, makes me feels like, a guy being too good is bad. LOLS... She kept on spying him... hoping he will one day make a mistake, so she can break up with him... =.=''' like this also can HO? ANGRY~ SAD... My emotions was like triggered... i feel a sudden crash of personality... so... haven't even finished the 3rd series, i off it. LOLS...
I would like to know, what is love?
Many people claim that they know... I questioned their knowledge of Love. It is just not possible to understand Love so easily. I think me myself is totally blurred... I had a GF. But, i feel, i am not doing what i am supposed to do; i am not doing what i must do...
Sadly, if i keep on figuring this problem out, i will break down again. That is for sure. So, it is always better for me to just let it be. Time will tell me what is what. Right? ^^
Monday, August 18, 2008
I Graduated CAT!!!
~~HHHhhhOOooRRrraAaAyYYy~~
~Congratulate me!!! Haha~
It was supposed to be yesterday, i woke up in the morning, worrying that it will be the day my result came out. But as usual, as now is my bro's holiday, he ask me to play games with him. So~ we had some game... As i told myself, if i failed any of the papers, i will quit games. That is a God DAMN promise i made. A gamer like me, making such a promise is like sending myself to hell... LOLS...
Anyway, Later around 12... my friend, Daniel, SmSed me and told me that the result is now release. So... i hesitated... Thinking, should i go for it now or watch it later or tomorrow. But, my curiosity urge me to look right away. Sooo~~~~ i keyed in my ACCA id and password...
heartbeat time...
TADA~~~ I passed 3 papers. Although is not high marks, 6x, 6x and 5x... i still feel happy. U know, just able to pass is a relief to me. I was so worried i will fail back then. Why? Because, my paper 10, that is getting only 50, is really bad. i Had a hard time doing it in the examination hall that time. LOLS... lucky~ i passed it. And lucky, 10 marks above... if take it again this December, will also just passed. Cause i heard, now the standard had increased to 50 marks to just pass. LOLS... Lucky me... Hahaha... happy happy... i am now a CAT graduate. ^^
Congratulations to me... ^^
Watching the result at home do had a little disappointment... Nobody gratz me. But it is ok... ^^
ok now... Need to get off... Although passed CAT, now got ACCA to handle... it is a lot more harder. Gambateh neh!
~Congratulate me!!! Haha~
It was supposed to be yesterday, i woke up in the morning, worrying that it will be the day my result came out. But as usual, as now is my bro's holiday, he ask me to play games with him. So~ we had some game... As i told myself, if i failed any of the papers, i will quit games. That is a God DAMN promise i made. A gamer like me, making such a promise is like sending myself to hell... LOLS...
Anyway, Later around 12... my friend, Daniel, SmSed me and told me that the result is now release. So... i hesitated... Thinking, should i go for it now or watch it later or tomorrow. But, my curiosity urge me to look right away. Sooo~~~~ i keyed in my ACCA id and password...
heartbeat time...
TADA~~~ I passed 3 papers. Although is not high marks, 6x, 6x and 5x... i still feel happy. U know, just able to pass is a relief to me. I was so worried i will fail back then. Why? Because, my paper 10, that is getting only 50, is really bad. i Had a hard time doing it in the examination hall that time. LOLS... lucky~ i passed it. And lucky, 10 marks above... if take it again this December, will also just passed. Cause i heard, now the standard had increased to 50 marks to just pass. LOLS... Lucky me... Hahaha... happy happy... i am now a CAT graduate. ^^
Congratulations to me... ^^
Watching the result at home do had a little disappointment... Nobody gratz me. But it is ok... ^^
ok now... Need to get off... Although passed CAT, now got ACCA to handle... it is a lot more harder. Gambateh neh!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Fallen Sick
What a bad day... I had fallen sick. Under the weather...
so headache now... yet, my sleep is so... horrible. Last night was such a torture. The nose is killing me. And my throat is painful. + headache some more. Lucky, i had some pills before i sleep. So my flu now is better. But, anyway, my sleep was, i don't think i slept last night. Haunted by nightmares, i feel like as if i was at my grave. So scared. SO wish morning can come soon. So i can wake up. Blur all night, wake up with a severe headache that even makes me feel like screaming. So damn pain... And now, i feel my heart is weak... i need to put in some effort just to breathe. Wow... some sort of sickness. I hope it is just a small flu, so i can get well soon. My body is still high in temperature... wonder if i can go to class tonight???
So fear i will faint halfway...
But, i think i can do it. Tomorrow got class again... 2 classes some more... Don't know i can handle it or not...
But no matter what, i will try my best. Result is coming soon... Just pray and hope that everything will be just fine...
...Every time i cough, my head hurt. So torturing...
Hope i can get well soon...
so headache now... yet, my sleep is so... horrible. Last night was such a torture. The nose is killing me. And my throat is painful. + headache some more. Lucky, i had some pills before i sleep. So my flu now is better. But, anyway, my sleep was, i don't think i slept last night. Haunted by nightmares, i feel like as if i was at my grave. So scared. SO wish morning can come soon. So i can wake up. Blur all night, wake up with a severe headache that even makes me feel like screaming. So damn pain... And now, i feel my heart is weak... i need to put in some effort just to breathe. Wow... some sort of sickness. I hope it is just a small flu, so i can get well soon. My body is still high in temperature... wonder if i can go to class tonight???
So fear i will faint halfway...
But, i think i can do it. Tomorrow got class again... 2 classes some more... Don't know i can handle it or not...
But no matter what, i will try my best. Result is coming soon... Just pray and hope that everything will be just fine...
...Every time i cough, my head hurt. So torturing...
Hope i can get well soon...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Words Can be Poisonous than Food
Last night was bad. A really bad night. My friends came down from Bau... Ah jin, Ah Hee, we go for some snacks after my class. Daniel follows as well. Then, we decide to go play game at cyber cafe. LoLs... some type of fun. It was already 10++ then. We called Sidney whether he wanted to follow or not... As usual, he say yes. XD That is like amlost impossible he will say no. Hahaha...
So, we reach there, Daniel says he don't want to play Dota... So... we play CS then. Playing CS was ok... But when Sidney arrive, his friend in CC(Cyber Cafe) ask whether we want to play a friendly match or not??? So... we think it is ok... Even if we lose... LOLS... so we accept. Bad thing... those guys are hooligans. =.='''
We had the upper hand... and thanks to my big mouth, i was so carried away in the game, i keep talking. I don't think i said anything bad, didn't say they are noob, didn't say anything bad at all... and they starts scolding. =.=''' I had nothing to say... 1 word may decribe it all. COWARD.
You know what happen? They starts scolding... and even wanted to started a fight. =.='''
Oh My God... Fighting... That's childs play. Never grew up...
Oh ya... so, we quickly end the game... Win it... Then we leave... He banged the table, then start asking who is using "lycanthrope"(a hero of Dota, i was using it) They must have been furious as they didn't get the chance to get a kill of me. Where as i killed his hero a lot. XD
So, i kept quiet, let him "bark" there. Paid, then leave. XD
We had a drink after that. LoLs... he called Sidney and ask him to tell us to be careful next time. LOLS!!! Who do he think he is??? The Government? Killer? OR GOD? Man~ Hooligans...
Better stay away from this freak. Unable to accept defeat. But anyway, better don't care about it. Result is gonna come soon. XD So just hope and pray that result will be nice. ^^
And... I had a feeling, since what happened last night, i think i need to refrain my words and the way i talk. =.=''' My friends may be able to handle the needle, but outsiders may feel it a thread. So... =x I will refrain.
By the way, i have a feeling of quitting Dota. Know why?
Dota brings many bad thing to the people.
Firstly, friends may become enemy because of Dota.
Secondly, couple may break up because of Dota.
Thirdly, mood may become bad becuase of Dota.
Fourthly, ones mind may become contaminated by Dota.
... There is just too many bad things about Dota. haih~
So, we reach there, Daniel says he don't want to play Dota... So... we play CS then. Playing CS was ok... But when Sidney arrive, his friend in CC(Cyber Cafe) ask whether we want to play a friendly match or not??? So... we think it is ok... Even if we lose... LOLS... so we accept. Bad thing... those guys are hooligans. =.='''
We had the upper hand... and thanks to my big mouth, i was so carried away in the game, i keep talking. I don't think i said anything bad, didn't say they are noob, didn't say anything bad at all... and they starts scolding. =.=''' I had nothing to say... 1 word may decribe it all. COWARD.
You know what happen? They starts scolding... and even wanted to started a fight. =.='''
Oh My God... Fighting... That's childs play. Never grew up...
Oh ya... so, we quickly end the game... Win it... Then we leave... He banged the table, then start asking who is using "lycanthrope"(a hero of Dota, i was using it) They must have been furious as they didn't get the chance to get a kill of me. Where as i killed his hero a lot. XD
So, i kept quiet, let him "bark" there. Paid, then leave. XD
We had a drink after that. LoLs... he called Sidney and ask him to tell us to be careful next time. LOLS!!! Who do he think he is??? The Government? Killer? OR GOD? Man~ Hooligans...
Better stay away from this freak. Unable to accept defeat. But anyway, better don't care about it. Result is gonna come soon. XD So just hope and pray that result will be nice. ^^
And... I had a feeling, since what happened last night, i think i need to refrain my words and the way i talk. =.=''' My friends may be able to handle the needle, but outsiders may feel it a thread. So... =x I will refrain.
By the way, i have a feeling of quitting Dota. Know why?
Dota brings many bad thing to the people.
Firstly, friends may become enemy because of Dota.
Secondly, couple may break up because of Dota.
Thirdly, mood may become bad becuase of Dota.
Fourthly, ones mind may become contaminated by Dota.
... There is just too many bad things about Dota. haih~
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
10% Happiness, 20% anger, 30% sadness and 40% distress
I hate my life!
But i won't blame God or anyone for whatever is happening...
I am happy!
Because everything happen is making me grow.
I am angry!
Because everyone that i care is forgetting me.
I am sad!
Because i feel it is my mistake that people i care is forgetting my existence.
I am distress!
Because i HATE MY LIFE!
Sleepless... for weeks. And every morning i wake up, i feel a slight headache. I feel nausea. Feel like throwing up. This thing has continued for like weeks. It all begin with the nightmares. Now... nightmare is gone but sleepless, insomnia is here. Why like that?
Joint pain is hitting me everyday. I am getting old...
Or is it just that my blood circulation is having problem?
Too many questions are playing in my head.
I always thought i am stronger than before. A lot more stronger. But no. I am still the same. Weak. Seems like i just healed myself from the injury i suffered years ago. I did not actually become stronger from it. Fear...
I still dreaded betrayal. Still worry about betrayal. My soul is still weak, unable to receive another blow of betrayal.
But i learned to trust. Because i had no choice. I have to keep trusting. Just be more careful every time i trust.
Because i want others to have trust in me. The law of nature is like this, i still believe equivalent trade.
Even the word "Believe" has a lie in the middle. So what is true?
It is torture...
But i won't blame God or anyone for whatever is happening...
I am happy!
Because everything happen is making me grow.
I am angry!
Because everyone that i care is forgetting me.
I am sad!
Because i feel it is my mistake that people i care is forgetting my existence.
I am distress!
Because i HATE MY LIFE!
Sleepless... for weeks. And every morning i wake up, i feel a slight headache. I feel nausea. Feel like throwing up. This thing has continued for like weeks. It all begin with the nightmares. Now... nightmare is gone but sleepless, insomnia is here. Why like that?
Joint pain is hitting me everyday. I am getting old...
Or is it just that my blood circulation is having problem?
Too many questions are playing in my head.
I always thought i am stronger than before. A lot more stronger. But no. I am still the same. Weak. Seems like i just healed myself from the injury i suffered years ago. I did not actually become stronger from it. Fear...
I still dreaded betrayal. Still worry about betrayal. My soul is still weak, unable to receive another blow of betrayal.
But i learned to trust. Because i had no choice. I have to keep trusting. Just be more careful every time i trust.
Because i want others to have trust in me. The law of nature is like this, i still believe equivalent trade.
Even the word "Believe" has a lie in the middle. So what is true?
It is torture...
Friday, August 1, 2008
Damn DAMN DAMN!!!
Sleepless... Is really giving me a crap. It has been days... i don't have a good night sleep. I am tired of this. Frustrated... Who knows i am facing insomnia now? =.=''' Those who are reading... I never tell anyone about my sleeplessness... Cause... i don't think they can help me. No one can. I am the only one that can help myself. But how? last nite... I force myself to sleep. Everything seems to like going against me lately... I sure feel a bit stress... just don't talk about relationship stuff... my study work is piled up! i have much things to attend to. And i yet has started to read. You know, i have 0 confidence about my course now. =.=''' Don't say 0 confidence... even 0 interest... man... the world is turning upside down...
Who cares? i care... IT IS MY LIFE MAN!!! OF COZ I CARE! duh~
Grief... Despair~
Why such distress? Lets cheer up and get on with it. Since the day you choose to start this game, you have to play along. No matter you like it or not, just play along. When the time is right, everything will be fine. So, hang on.
God is being really good to me. He gave me challenges. He gave me feelings. He gave me wisdom. Of coz, i will not consider myself as wise... yet. wakakakaka!!! But at least, i do think that i have faced quite some troublesome ups and downs that makes me age fast enough that worn my mental "youngness" out quickly. =.='''
I am still young! XD so... should quit thinking too much and do what i want. right?
That should be a true statement. However, humans are born with responsibility. So... being carefree... is kinda bad. LoLs... or is it just for me la..
anyway... i had crapped alot... but at least... feel better... writing maybe a good cure for me though. hahaa... thats all for now... my mind is terribly sick... =.='''
Who cares? i care... IT IS MY LIFE MAN!!! OF COZ I CARE! duh~
Grief... Despair~
Why such distress? Lets cheer up and get on with it. Since the day you choose to start this game, you have to play along. No matter you like it or not, just play along. When the time is right, everything will be fine. So, hang on.
God is being really good to me. He gave me challenges. He gave me feelings. He gave me wisdom. Of coz, i will not consider myself as wise... yet. wakakakaka!!! But at least, i do think that i have faced quite some troublesome ups and downs that makes me age fast enough that worn my mental "youngness" out quickly. =.='''
I am still young! XD so... should quit thinking too much and do what i want. right?
That should be a true statement. However, humans are born with responsibility. So... being carefree... is kinda bad. LoLs... or is it just for me la..
anyway... i had crapped alot... but at least... feel better... writing maybe a good cure for me though. hahaa... thats all for now... my mind is terribly sick... =.='''
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